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Bigfoot is Real, Part 2
A Year in the Life of Bigfoot
Bigfoot had a busy 2005, though it's been easy to keep track of all his comings 'n' goings, thanks to the Weekly World News. Most issues of "The World's Only Reliable Newspaper" have an article about our furry friend, and every issue has "Bigfoot: The World's Biggest Crossword." (A dubious claim, though it measures 35x35 squares, larger than the 21x21 Sunday New York Times puzzles.) Anyway, here now is WWN's coverage of Bigfoot's major happenings in 2005.
"Bigfoot Sighted in College Dorm Panty Raid: Horny Hairball Goes on Ramapage" (January 17).
Bigfoot snatched "600 pairs of cotton undies and barely-there thongs" from a girls' dorm at the Susan Mason Teacher's College in Bellingham, Washington. "His face looked like the rear end of a billy goat," one co-ed remarked, and another witness said he "smelled like the inside of a Porta-Potty." A police lieutenant later mused, "I shudder to think what that monster is doing with those undergarments. I guarantee you it's kinky"... Also, this issue's letters section featured "Cop Was Justified in Two-Headed Bigfoot Shooting," regarding the December 27, 2004 article, "Two-Headed Bigfoot Shot by Iowa Cop."
"Bizarre Find in Remote Hunting Lodge: Bigfoot Head Over Fireplace" (January 24).
A week after his Bellingham panty raid, Bigfoot's stuffed-and-mounted head was discovered outside town, hanging over the fireplace at Big Daddy's Hunt Club. An "animal rights nut" was angry with the lodge owner, who shot the beast and later ate him. The Bigfoot head also drew attention from University of Washington professors, and some scientists expressed concern that "the dead creature's hairy friends [will] lash out at humans to avenge the beast's cold-blooded murder."
"Bigfoot Roadkill: Idaho Man Runs Down Bigfoot with 18-Wheeler" (January 31).
One week later and one state away, Bigfoot darted out onto a two-lane Idaho highway in the early morning hours and got run over by 12-ton semi. The truck driver likened the accidental killing to "winning the lottery." He added, "That old boy left a hell of a dent in the grillwork."
The Adventures of Bat Boy (February 21).
This installment of WWN's convoluted serial comic strip by Peter Bagge started a Bigfoot storyline that continued for several months. Bat Boy had been elected president and he named Beyoncé Knowles his Secretary of the Treasury. She revealed she's "part Sasquatch," but had her hair removed by electrolysis. Bat Boy becomes smitten with her and soon they become engaged. However, Lil' Kim "outs" Beyoncé on Oprah, announcing to the world, " Beyoncé is in fact a Sasquatch!" Just as BB and Beyoncé are about to wed, their secret ceremony is disrupted by paparazzi. Congress then pasess an amendment banning inter-species marriage, and Beyoncé is sent to prison for beating up Lil' Kim. Oddly enough, the incarceration gives her "street cred" -- kids now drink "Sasquatch Soda," hang "Bigfoot Power" posters on their bedroom walls, read Bigfoot Beat magazine, and say stuff like, "I'm only into Sasquatch singers now." Record execs begin shaving all the Bigfoots in the woods in search of the next diva superstar. Unfortunately, most of 'em look like Jim Belushi, and the newly shaven Sasquatches subsequently freeze to death. President Bat Boy then passes an executive order banning the shaving of Bigfoots.
"Bigfoot Saves Baby from Flaming Camper" (March 28).
This WWN cover story describes Bigfoot's heroic rescue of a six-month-old baby in Utah. After a family camper caught fire in Bryce Canyon National Park, Bigfoot appeared from out of nowhere and entered the flaming RV. He soon emerged with the baby in his arms, set her down, and with his fur still smoldering, rushed back into the forest.
"Dwarf Slays Bigfoot! It's David and Goliath All Over Again!" (April 11).
Two weeks after Bigfoot's baby-saving heroism in Bryce Canyon, he turned villainous in Yellowstone National Park. He was chasing a scantily clad blonde through a dwarf's campsite. The three-foot dwarf used the girl's thong to sling stones at the nine-foot Bigfoot. After knocking him out, the dwarf decapitated Bigfoot with his axe. A zoologist commented, "Bigfoot sex assaults on humans are up 62 percent."
"Bigfoot 'Yeti Petty' Enters Auto Race: Sasquatch Roars to Victory at Pismol Beach 500!" (April 25).
Bigfoot next turned up far across the country, at a stock-car race in Connecticut. He had been watching the action from under the stands when deciding to hijack a car and join the race. He used his hairy arm to shove other cars off the track as he passed them, and he eventually he won. After accepting his trophy, he sped away on the Connecticut Turnpike, and the car was later found abandoned in the woods. An observer back at the track commented that Bigfoot "stank like hippies, y'know? Bad body odor and doobies."
"Bigfoot to Join Cast of The Sopranos -- As Mob Boss 'Biggy the Foot!'" (May 2).
Bigfoot was next spotted in nearby New Jersey on the set of the popular HBO series. As "Biggy the Foot," his character challenged Tony Soprano's mafia reign and seduced his wife, as well as spouting the show's signature profanities all the while. This was Bigfoot's first major dramatic role, though he previously acted in community theater and also performed as a street musician, mime, fire-eater and juggler. There was talk of the Biggy character spinning off into his own series, or maybe Bigfoot starring in a sitcom opposite Kirstie Alley.
"'Big Pox' Epidemic Threatens U.S." (May 16).
Many people in the Midwest, and then in the Southwest, suddenly started growing thick, coarse body hair, and their feet mysteriously increased to four times their normal size. It turned out they were suffering from "Big Pox," a disease that transferred from the "Bigfoot community" to humans through contaminated drinking water.
"This Week in History; 1982: Hairy Houseguest" (May 16).
The Werthmann family of Kanab, Utah temporarily adopted Bigfoot. They kept "Fuzzy" for three weeks, beating the old captivity record of just four days. Sadly, Bigfoot "ate their parakeet, smashed their heirloom china and tore through the back door on his way back into the woods."
"This Week in History; 1786: High Flutin'" (June 6).
A team of fur trappers witnessed Bigfoot playing a flute and prancing about near Mt. Rainier, but as soon as he saw the humans, he ran away.
"Bigfoot's Father's Day Adventure!" (June 20).
A centerfold poster showed Bigfoot, his wife and their three children enjoying a day at the beach: "One thing's for sure, this is one furry family that has no need for sunblock."
"World's Fattest Bigfoot Shocks Scientists" (June 27).
Back in Yellowstone, Bigfoots abandoned their usual diet of fruits, nuts and berries in favor of junk food left behind by campers. A cryptozoologist from Seattle's Bigfoot Research Institute studied a photo of one such beast shoving Twinkies into his mouth, and subsequently estimated the creature to weigh 2,400 pounds. "Research indicates that 63 percent of the creatures are now suffering from obesity," he noted, putting Bigfoots at risk for heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure and strokes.
"Bigfoot Runaway Bride!" (July 4).
A Bigfoot couple was all set to get married in Menominee Falls, Wisconsin, when the bride went missing on their wedding day. She was eventually found at a cheap motel in nearby Madison, where she claimed she was left by aliens who abducted her, probed her, and shaved off her hair. However, she actually spent the days in question binging on food and booze, and she lost her fur from stress. The couple soon got married anyhow, and she later admitted she simply got scared. (Amazingly, the pun-lovin' WWN somehow missed saying something like she had "big cold feet.")
"One Angry Bigfoot: Sasquatch Does His Civic Duty" (July 18).
After making it through the jury-selection process, Bigfoot served on a week-long murder trial in South Whittle, North Dakota. He fell asleep during the proceedings, but once the guilty verdict was read, he broke both the defendant's legs. He was then offered a bailiff position.
"Thrilla in Cordilla!: Satan and Bigfoot Face Off in Barroom Brawl!" (July 25).
The devil went down to Georgia's Old Nick's Inn, a roadhouse off Route 666, and the site of Bigfoot's next Southern appearance. Some claim a drunken Satan started a fight with Bigfoot by shouting insults at him; others say Bigfoot started the fight by giving Satan the "evil eye." In any case, Bigfoot won the brawl, and bench warrants were issued for both parties.
"Bigfoot Crashes Wine Tasting" (September 12).
Weeks later, Bigfoot again appeared in Georgia, smashing through the front door of Columbia's Green Grapes Winery. The smell of alcohol triggered his violent urges, apparently reminding him of his recent barroom brawl. After guzzling the spit bucket, however, the wine calmed him. ("Drink... Good!") He proceeded to learn the finer points of wine tasting, until he got drunk and refused to leave. The winery then hired him to stomp grapes.
"Bigfoot Duck Hunting!" (October 17).
Bigfoot's next Southern stop was South Carolina's Sumpter Lake, where a pair of outdoorsmen taught him how to hunt for ducks. He learned to use a duck whistle, and then tied a decoy to his head. Bigfoot lurked underwater with just the decoy exposed, grabbing any ducks that swam by. The compassionate creature then allowed the ducks to fly away. Before leaving his hunting companions, he drank "several cans" of their beer. One of them commented, "He smelled like week-old garbage."
"Big & Hairy's Primate of the Month: Miss September" (October 25).
This "nude centerfold" of "Bigfoot Hooker" Helen shows her laid out on a black leather sofa, wearing only hoop earrings, high heels, and a seductive grin. Of course, Helen is completely covered in hair. And instead of an autograph, her name is spelled out with sign language icons. Her accompanying "Primate Data Sheet" shows her measurements are 52-40-44, her weight is 275 pounds, and she was born in 1978 in Regina, "Sasquatchewan." Helen also lists her "Favorites" in various categories, such as food: "Nuts, berries, grubs, pit-roasted squirrel, Baja Chicken Chalupas."
This fold-out pinup isn't from a regular WWN issue, but from the book anthology released on October 25, Bat Boy Lives! The book also reprints the November 22, 2004 story, "World's First Bigfoot Hooker Tells All!" Helen had bedded Bill Clinton and Ted Kennedy, plus other assorted congressmen, senators, and Supreme Court justices, as detailed in her book, The Hairy Hooker Does D.C. Elsewhere in the WWN book, a sidebar says that "Libyan leader Moammar Khadafi has a hankering for hanky-panky" with Helen, and another sidebar lists the politicians Helen finds most desireable (Barak Obama: "Oh, Bama!"; Condoleezza Rice: "Makes the hair on my legs stand up!")
Besides Helen, the book reprints the December 30, 2003 story, "Bigfoot Shot by Montana Police," and the October 30, 2001 story, "I Was Bigfoot's Love Slave" (a Tacoma lumberjack held captive by Bigfoot for three months came to call the beast "Wookums"). Yet another sidebar, "Bigfoot Field Researcher Just Wants to Get Laid," describes an Enumclaw, Washington man who didn't even believe in Bigfoot, but joined the Bigfoot Field Researchers' Organization anyway just to sleep with one of its members.
"Weird Picture Search" (November 14).
Awesome MAD cartoonist Sergio Aragonés is also a regular WWN contributor. This week's installment was an illustration of Bigfoot entering a Boy Scout camp site, with ten hidden footprints scattered throughout.
"Bigfoot Interviews Podiatrist!" (November 28).
This issue had a special eight-page, seven-article section devoted to Bigfoot, beginning with this transcript of a webcam interview that took place at WWN's Boca Raton offices. The doctor noted that Bigfoot's feet have "corns, calluses, ingrown toenails, small dried animal parts wedged between the toes." Bigfoot concludes: "Doctor good. Me not break him."
"Bigfoot's Courting Advice" (November 28).
WWN caught up with the "sensitive giant who knows how to the woo the ladies" in Smyrna, Georgia, where he was dispensing his many dating tips: "Tell lady she pretty -- even if mud or squashed bugs on face."
"Bigfoot Goes to the Movies" (November 28).
WWN took Bigfoot to a Radial Tyre, Georgia video store to pick out a bunch of movies. After viewing his selections, he commented, Jaws: "Him Bigfoot of water!" Star Wars: "Hairy brother get no medal." The Matrix: "Make head hurt." Lord of the Rings: "Make butt hurt."
"Bigfoot Rap" (November 28).
Bigfoot rapped for an anthropologist in his Boca Raton motel room. She observed that his rudimentary style, punctuated by grunts, howls, growls, and roars, are how he best expresses himself. She recommended he cut a CD under the stage name "Biggy Bigg."
"Bigfoot Family Tree!" (November 28).
A centerfold collage depicts Bigfoot throughout history as a Roman gladiator, a Japanese warrior, a Viking, a guide to Lewis and Clark, a cowboy of the American west, a mob enforcer for Al Capone, and a pirate named "Brown Beard."
"Bigfootball" (November 28).
The "world's most dangerous game" played by Bigfoots in the Ozarks is "a combination of football and dodgeball." They throw rocks at one another, and dodge them by jumping in lakes and climbing trees. The last Bigfoot standing is the winner.
"Bigfoot's Favorite Vacation Spots!" (November 28).
Contrary to popular belief, Bigfoot enjoys venturing outside the Pacific Northwest. He often visits ancient temples in Cambodia, waterfalls in Hawaii, and frozen lakes in Siberia.
"Headlines from Tomorrow: Bigfootia, 3000" (December 12).
"Bigfoots get their own country called Bigfootia," the brief article predicts. "It is carved from land in the Pacific Northwest and a section of Canada."
"Idaho Family Eats 600-Pound Bigfoot!" (December 26).
An undated reprint of an older story tells how a farmer accidentally killed Bigfoot with his pickup near the Payette National Forest. The farmer and his family then spent the next few months eating him. "It's gamey and a little hard to chew," said the farmer, "but we don't mind."
Bigfoot is Real, Part 1: In Search of Bigfoot
Bigfoot is Real, Part 3: Bigfoot on Film
Bigfoot is Real, Part 4: A Bigfoot Menagerie
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Last updated on January 13, 2011.
© 2004-2011 Steve Mandich